Photo by Nick Bianco

I’ve been battling my weight in some fashion since I was twelve years old and was already 5’9, which made me stand out and get attention. I was too young to understand exactly why I was getting noticed or what to do with it. I wasn’t even sure it was something I should want.

The desire to figure it out while not losing the attention led to stretches of barely eating anything day after day to maintain a rail-thin like quality with equal amounts of years of eating till I was sick and throwing myself into the obese category. The outside package may have looked different to an observer but the brain or maybe the spirit inside was the same. I was obsessed with body image and was mistakenly thinking that in order to achieve my goals everything started from the outside, in.

Intellectually, we all know that’s not true. There have been enough talk shows with weepy people talking about how they finally learned that change has to start from within but if I have decades of practice with one way of doing things till I don’t even notice anymore, how do I translate any of that into actually changing?

I’ve thrown a lot of money, effort and obsessive thinking at getting the right body, whatever that meant at the time and it worked a lot of the time but never for longer than a handful of years.

This time I’ve added in a spiritual element, friends and accountability and the biggest change is the lack of obsession. I still have days that are way too long where I notice desserts way too much. But this time I call someone who reminds me of a few truths till my brain and my spirit come back together. I’m 9 months in so far and 70 pounds lighter. Frankly, I feel even lighter than that while at the same time I’m startled every time I pass a mirror. More adventures to follow.

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